I have never been so sure in my life.
I had always known I wanted to be with you.
I had known from the beginning you were special.
As for how special…
I have learned so much of what makes you special.
Even when we do not see eye to eye, it is our very differences that complete each other’s complex puzzles. You complete me in more ways than one and I could not have gotten the most out of this 26th year if you were not such a big part of my world.
In fact, you have sort of become my world.
You have made me better.
This relationship is very important to me and what we have experienced in the last week and a half has made me realize that I want so much more from this and I have never wanted it as much as I have now.
I want a future with you.
I forgot what dealing with anxiety was like, up until recently.
Awakening anxiety is like drowning in a hail of emotions you do not understand. Well, I think there is some form of understanding but you are definitely just minutely grasping it by the tips of your fingers. It is also profoundly deafening, even at its most docile moments. It wakes you from a deep sleep and from that sleep, you still lay so uncomfortably even when your bed is as warm as a mid-day sun ray touches your skin.
The reason being for my anxiety is because I have been dealing with a form of emptiness. This emptiness feels similar to neglect and/or replacement. It itches underneath my skin and eats me up on the inside. It is related to insecurity or lack of security and assurance. Deep in my mind, I am uncomfortable and writhing from the discomfort.
What do I feel?
Someone else is creating memories for me and in place of me. Someone else is taking care of my responsibilities. Someone else sharing the space that is mine.
Am I being selfish at this point? Can I help it even if I could?
I feel as if my personal space has been invaded a little. Reality or not, now, I am not just the only girl. It feels less intimate to me that I can find something so special elsewhere.
Truth is, this is all very subliminal if you have not caught on already.
I am not writing to be petty. I am not writing for attention. I am writing so that instead of allowing my eyes to tear and flow heavy with hurt, at least I can put my feelings to words and make them feel lyrical and distant.
For eyes to see and minds to understand, this is how a human being feels about anxiety and insecurities. That is all. But, overcoming this is not a difficult obstacle, and I understand that. The only way to deal with pain is to get through it.
It is so hard to deal with voids, even if temporary.
Be with someone who makes you a priority. Be with someone who isn’t afraid to show you off to the world because they are proud of you, proud to be with you, proud to be yours. Be with someone who gives you the time of day when you need it, especially at your worst because ‘if they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best, said Marilyn Monroe. Be with someone that will share their struggles with you and help carry your extra baggage. Be with someone who will open doors for you, but not just literal doors but figurative ones, too; maybe even windows of opportunities as well. Be with someone who will feed you whether it be your stomach, your heart, your mind, or your body. Be with someone who is passionate and kind. Be with someone who shows and tells their appreciation for you every chance they get. Be with someone who is selfless, patient, righteous and understanding. Be with someone who can walk beside you, guide you and/or follow you. Be with someone who is your critic, your fan, your role model and/or inspiration, and your best friend. Be with someone with a good mind and a positive energy; they will give you light at your darkest moments and they will strengthen your spirits when you’re at your lowest. Be with someone who won’t compete with you, but treats you like an equal. Be with someone that gives you your wants and, most importantly, your needs. Be with someone who is the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of before you sleep. Be with someone you can explore new cities with and try new things with because they, like the life you both share, have become your adventure. Be with someone who looks at you and you can see the love in their eyes or their smile or in all of their body language. Be with someone you see yourself building a future with. Be with someone who ultimately makes you better but disagrees and tells you that it is really you that ultimately makes them better.
I wrote this quite a while back. Today, I was reading over old entries in my journals and it was one of the first things I opened up to. This may ring quite true for many. I guess we all look for that perfect thing but, in reality, we will realize when we come across something real how good that real thing is. You really, honestly, do feel it. A feeling as such is usually unexplainable, although most times we try to rationalize and make sense of it. It feels euphoric as fuck, excuse my language, but it’s true! When you come across this feeling with someone, you really can’t fight it. It’s real and real is rare. That’s become such a motto for me on more levels than one, but mainly to describe my relationships with people and to describe my own personality as an individual. That is who I am. I know am a unique individual with a big heart, never afraid to express it. So, I write shit like this and get really guppy and sappy over sweet things. The human nature to feel love and give love is so enlightening; sharing it with others is a profound experience to have in life. I hope that if you are reading this, you, too, may experience such wonderful feelings of joy and warmth.
Often times, we are looking for a piece of mind but forget the peace in minding…
The peace in minding ourselves before anyone else.
Before we can share happiness with others, we have to find happiness in ourselves. We cannot be burdened in trying to please those around us when we are not at least content with ourselves.
This week, I have had one too many conversations with friends in which I emphasized how important it is to strive for positivity in our singular lives before attracting and sharing the good energy onto others. People tend to easily forget their own importance and, thus, forget their own purpose.
Don’t lose your way, my friends.
Remember to keep yourself in mind because you matter too.
You cannot take care of anyone else if you cannot take care of yourself.
All the same,
They are yours.
All the same,
They are yours.
Love is such a hard, true thing to find and share with someone. But to be lucky and have something so significant and shared is a blessing all by itself without a definition to pursue the truth. In itself, it is defined by the actions and words between beings. No more, no less. The truth is there laying before you and there really is no need to look elsewhere than that. Love just simply is.
The hardest thing about relationships is taking all the wear and tear and finding it in all your heart, in all your passion and effort, to mend the broken pieces that you may or may not have caused. Trying to look past insecurities and bury them with a new found trust and love for someone is a bittersweet challenge. Running on a two-way street, the blame game is openly played and it’s as if you feel like you are always swimming upstream. But, it was never made to be easy and every couple, every relationship, goes through the hardest of times. But what happens when it doesn’t just end? What if it is always hard? How do you get through it? Where do you find the hope to keep loving as you do? To keep caring as much as you did in the beginning? To have faith where there is so much doubt in the back of your mind built by the tension of time? Forcing and forcing for something to be and getting lost in the complexity. Where do we go from here? I just want to love again.