Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.

“A Loss for Words”

At a loss for words
For the lost in turns
What our hands once held
And in our hearts once burned

Oh, how the seasons have changed
It hurts to see the souls crying
In a season that is cold
And the earth dying

How empty are the tombs
Where our memories are left
The void feels so heavy
A goodbye, A grand theft

But in the darkness of the night
Comes but the still silence and pause
You continue to be a light
And for this I write words with beauty and cause

I am at a loss for words
When at lost in turns
Forgive my aching heart
As it yearns, it yearns

I am at a loss for words
When at lost in turns
Forgive my stomach
As it churns, it churns

Until the moment the skies part their clouds
The shade stands still and tears steadily flow
Words will be spoken so tenderly
And our love for you will be known

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“Pains of Love”

How sad it is to see the simple pleasures of adoration
Fade into neglect and silence.

What an empty solace by hands of ignorance.

Awoken by the pains of love,
Broken by the suppression,
Divided by the uncertainty;

Woes, the chains of a saint martyred by their heart.

“Resonate”

May your anger have reason,
And, with reason,
May it resonate.

We may not be able to run
From our problems,
But, we can
Chase our dreams.

We cannot hide from the turmoil,
But, we can help
Sew together
Broken seams.

May your anger have reason,
And, with reason,
May it resonate.

Black lives matter,
Black lives matter,
Black lives…

They say.
They say.

One day,
I hope
They get it.

One day,
I hope
They pay.

May your anger have reason,
And, with reason,
May it resonate.

Black lives matter.

Then,
Tomorrow,
Today.

I have been wanting to write something to reflect the injustice that has been present for quite some time, and hurting so many. It pains me to hear of friends’ mothers’ worries for their children because they are black. I can no longer sit quietly, so this is how I choose to stand by them.

I titled this “Resonate” and wrote it in a repetitive-like pattern to emphasize a message that should echo to many others, so that others will understand the impact of this matter. Although many other peoples and cultures have gone through oppression and injustice, what is happening right now stems very deep to a peoples – one that only they may truly understand. I have been educated by friends time and time again, and I still cannot place myself in their shoes for the stereotypes I fall under do not subject me to be treated as they are. It is the truth. This does not make anyone else lesser than the other, but let us not be ignorant. Face the truth. To my friends, their families, and to many others affected by the injustice, I stand by you. I am learning to understand.

Thank you to my friends for giving me insight and purpose to write such a piece. All of your opinions and emotions shared with me were passionate and beautiful. To those of you who I have spoke to about this, you know who you are and thank you. I know it is not much, but I hope that it makes a difference.

 

“No Less Are You Worth It”

I want to love without question.
I want to question without doubt.
I want my doubts put to rest.
And I want you to put them out.

 I want us to be honest.
I want word for word to be real.
I want the trust to exist
And be something we both feel.

I want the security and assurance,
The simple things and the comfort.
I want it all and everything in between,
Even if sometimes it may hurt.

We might say things we don’t mean.
We especially might not be perfect.
We will have our anxieties,
But no less will I think you’re worth it.

Everything that I want,
I want to share it with you.
If you let my heart and mind be open
I can show you what they can do.

I can love you with everything I have.
I can love you in gestures big and small.
I can love you in happiness, sadness, or anger.
I can love you with three words or with none at all.

One day we may hurt,
And the next day we may make up.
But, there is never a day I’ll choose anyone else
Or lose sight of why I fell in love.

We might say things we don’t mean.
We especially might not be perfect.
We will have our anxieties,
But no less will I think you’re worth it.