I have never been so sure in my life.
I had always known I wanted to be with you.
I had known from the beginning you were special.
As for how special…
I have learned so much of what makes you special.
Even when we do not see eye to eye, it is our very differences that complete each other’s complex puzzles. You complete me in more ways than one and I could not have gotten the most out of this 26th year if you were not such a big part of my world.
In fact, you have sort of become my world.
You have made me better.
This relationship is very important to me and what we have experienced in the last week and a half has made me realize that I want so much more from this and I have never wanted it as much as I have now.
I want a future with you.
I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.
Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.
My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.
Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.
But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.
Things could always be worse.
If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.
At least, let me have that.
For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.
I am out of my element and I have to adjust.
But just do not be surprised when I talk less and find myself more distant than usual because it is just a part of the process and I do not think you will understand.
In layman’s terms…
I am feeling the introvert come out of me.
Isn’t that some irony?