This Is Painful 

Even as I write this, I feel like I am not ready to. 

This is painful.

Two weeks ago, for the first time, I looked at my lap into the path of lines that faced one another like strange figures meeting for the first time. It was so alien to me. Staring deep into its gaze, I was haunted by the disappointment and the fear of overlooming judgment that would be casted on me by familiar onlookers in my life. 

I feared the fear itself. 

I sat there and I wept at the idea of loss before it even happened. 

I never knew a feeling like it even existed. 

Days passed and things made sense to me. The way I sensed things were heightened and I felt the most innate of instincts kick in. For a moment in this brief life, I felt I had some purpose to fulfill. 

In reality, I could not fulfill it.

In reality, it broke my heart. 

In one week I had possessed blissful ignorance – this idea that I had the “fortunate unawareness of something unpleasant”. As everything was happening so quickly, I had no means of processing everything the way I wanted to or in a healthy manner. I took an idea, I wrapped my head around it, and then, I ran with it without thinking of the physical and emotional costs. 

But later on, I decided that the idea in which “I made the right decision” was the best and only alternative. And, to think, I thought that idea was going to make this any more easier…

Well, I did say blissful ignorance, right? 

This is painful.  

I did not acknowledge what happened to me overnight. I did not take a moment to grieve for myself or for the part of me I lost. 

I am not coping well.

This is painful. 

I am trying to find reasons to help myself heal but I know I will not find that today.

I am trying to hold back tears and hold my head up but I know I will be sad and hurt.

From the physical pain to the emotional pain, I am doing the best I can to deal with my sense of loss. 

For now, this is painful.

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“To Belong”

Touch my heart and feel the ice
Like a chill after a rain
As clouds cave the sun
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long
But it loves mighty
It takes hold
Eyes like Eckleburg
Seeing meaning
Meaning strong
While broken it has measured
Moments good
Moments bad
Hear it in the silence
Steadfast but weary
Hopeful but sad
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long

My heart wants to have peace
A piece of mind
A place to belong

Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.

Hurting Silently

It is difficult to bounce back from a negative situation.

You exhaust yourself seeking resolution after resolution.

Maybe you just are not ready to be charmed by simple words and phrases like, “It will be okay”, “Tomorrow is another day” or “You will just be fine” and “Think positively”?

Maybe you just want to grieve a little bit and cry?
Maybe you just need a shoulder and a hug?

But, what until then when it is so hard to hurt silently.

“A Loss for Words”

At a loss for words
For the lost in turns
What our hands once held
And in our hearts once burned

Oh, how the seasons have changed
It hurts to see the souls crying
In a season that is cold
And the earth dying

How empty are the tombs
Where our memories are left
The void feels so heavy
A goodbye, A grand theft

But in the darkness of the night
Comes but the still silence and pause
You continue to be a light
And for this I write words with beauty and cause

I am at a loss for words
When at lost in turns
Forgive my aching heart
As it yearns, it yearns

I am at a loss for words
When at lost in turns
Forgive my stomach
As it churns, it churns

Until the moment the skies part their clouds
The shade stands still and tears steadily flow
Words will be spoken so tenderly
And our love for you will be known

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“No Less Are You Worth It”

I want to love without question.
I want to question without doubt.
I want my doubts put to rest.
And I want you to put them out.

 I want us to be honest.
I want word for word to be real.
I want the trust to exist
And be something we both feel.

I want the security and assurance,
The simple things and the comfort.
I want it all and everything in between,
Even if sometimes it may hurt.

We might say things we don’t mean.
We especially might not be perfect.
We will have our anxieties,
But no less will I think you’re worth it.

Everything that I want,
I want to share it with you.
If you let my heart and mind be open
I can show you what they can do.

I can love you with everything I have.
I can love you in gestures big and small.
I can love you in happiness, sadness, or anger.
I can love you with three words or with none at all.

One day we may hurt,
And the next day we may make up.
But, there is never a day I’ll choose anyone else
Or lose sight of why I fell in love.

We might say things we don’t mean.
We especially might not be perfect.
We will have our anxieties,
But no less will I think you’re worth it.