Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.

Complement

Yes, complement.

You might be thinking compliment.
But no, I meant complement.

When one thing completes another, therefore it complements.
When one thing expresses admiration, therefore it compliments.

But, I mean complement.

And to complement is to be close to perfect.

A Little Matter of Things

There’s nothing more frustrating than being a basket case of emotion, sometimes.

I want to not feel.
I want to not care.

But, can I help it?

No.

Especially when certain emotions are directed at particular things.

What I honestly dislike the most is when my feelings are belittled by others. I dislike it even more when people expect you to feel strongly or be supportive about their opinions, values, or feelings when it’s a matter of convenience for them; meanwhile, in contrast, they cannot seem to do the same for you.

I think a lot of respect people have for each other is built on the simple principle of “The Golden Rule” and that is to “do unto others what you would want done unto you”.

I hold other peoples’ feelings in high regard and sometimes while I neglect my own, but that’s just the person that I am.

I am kind.

I am understanding.

Or, at least I try hard to be.

And, I believe there’s good in everyone.

Usually, I can find good in everything.
You know, the silver lining?

But see, all I ever ask for from others is that they consider to give me the same respect. Regardless of point of view, upbringing, or wants/needs. For a moment of indifference, I want to feel as if I matter, too.

There are going to be some things of matter that may little to you but remain big to others, remember that.

Think about it.

 

A Temporary Void

I forgot what dealing with anxiety was like, up until recently.

Awakening anxiety is like drowning in a hail of emotions you do not understand. Well, I think there is some form of understanding but you are definitely just minutely grasping it by the tips of your fingers. It is also profoundly deafening, even at its most docile moments. It wakes you from a deep sleep and from that sleep, you still lay so uncomfortably even when your bed is as warm as a mid-day sun ray touches your skin.

The reason being for my anxiety is because  I have been dealing with a form of emptiness. This emptiness feels similar to neglect and/or replacement. It itches underneath my skin and eats me up on the inside. It is related to insecurity or lack of security and assurance. Deep in my mind, I am uncomfortable and writhing from the discomfort.

What do I feel?

Someone else is creating memories for me and in place of me. Someone else is taking care of my responsibilities. Someone else sharing the space that is mine.

Am I being selfish at this point? Can I help it even if I could?

I feel as if my personal space has been invaded a little. Reality or not, now, I am not just the only girl. It feels less intimate to me that I can find something so special elsewhere.

Truth is, this is all very subliminal if you have not caught on already.

I am not writing to be petty. I am not writing for attention. I am writing so that instead of allowing my eyes to tear and flow heavy with hurt, at least I can put my feelings to words and make them feel lyrical and distant.

For eyes to see and minds to understand, this is how a human being feels about anxiety and insecurities. That is all. But, overcoming this is not a difficult obstacle, and I understand that. The only way to deal with pain is to get through it.

It is so hard to deal with voids, even if temporary.

“Just Maybe”

Maybe he’ll say ‘hello’ or ‘hi’.
Maybe he’ll hurt with every goodbye.
Maybe he’ll call me.
And maybe he won’t…

But cosmically, none of this matters
If he does or he don’t.

Picking up poetry from Tumblr. Reposting here so that I can transfer it over and have one less forum to worry about since I just added Twitter to the plate, again. Kind of excited to be instantaneously posting poetry on-the-go, though! Looking forward to sharing my deepest thoughts with you in real time, soon.

 

So about this poem, not sure when I wrote it but can you tell, there’s a little heartache there? I guess I have gone through my fair share and enough of the experience to have writing about it, lol. Here’s a bit of a piece where there are dueling emotions regarding getting attention from someone. At the end of this poem, the subject just decides it doesn’t matter. Or maybe that it shouldn’t? Wondering so deep about the feelings of someone else; well, when in doubt, get out. That’s the best bet in saving one from a grueling heartache of uncertainties, etc. I like that I wrote this poem to rhyme the way it does. Pat on the back for me. Hope you all like this one. It’s just short and sweet. 

 

More reposts from Tumblr, coming soon! 

“Untouchable”

You are like the hologram I dreamt up in the solstice of my mind.
Not being able to touch you as our love creates revolutions.
And, evolutions unfolding, your art blends onto my canvas with time.