“Faith over fear”

Last night evoked some unspoken fear. 

I found myself in the same room with someone who had physically, emotionally, and mentally scarred me…

I had never felt so shaken up. 

It was the first time to be in his presence and the scariest part was I didn’t even have to see his face to know it was him. 

Hazy memories had flashed back for a moment and I shook and almost wept because I felt so sorry for myself that I was still pained by the effects of what he had done to me. 

As quickly enough as I felt the fear, I felt the love because soon after I dipped away from the aura of negativity, I found myself in the arms of someone I felt loved and safe with. I remembered what I was originally there for and who I was there for. All he had to do was hold me. His love is the most important thing and it keeps me strong. 

In my fear, there is always faith and love that completes me to be stronger. 

To the man at my side, you are everything that is love, thank you. 

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Unconditional 

I want so hard to love and live life unconditionally but life is just not letting me right now. 

I’m at a battle with myself and I fear myself losing. 

Does unconditionally mean for the sake of sacrifice?

Unconditional is immortal; I’m going to have to give something to gain something when all of this is said and done. 

This Is Painful 

Even as I write this, I feel like I am not ready to. 

This is painful.

Two weeks ago, for the first time, I looked at my lap into the path of lines that faced one another like strange figures meeting for the first time. It was so alien to me. Staring deep into its gaze, I was haunted by the disappointment and the fear of overlooming judgment that would be casted on me by familiar onlookers in my life. 

I feared the fear itself. 

I sat there and I wept at the idea of loss before it even happened. 

I never knew a feeling like it even existed. 

Days passed and things made sense to me. The way I sensed things were heightened and I felt the most innate of instincts kick in. For a moment in this brief life, I felt I had some purpose to fulfill. 

In reality, I could not fulfill it.

In reality, it broke my heart. 

In one week I had possessed blissful ignorance – this idea that I had the “fortunate unawareness of something unpleasant”. As everything was happening so quickly, I had no means of processing everything the way I wanted to or in a healthy manner. I took an idea, I wrapped my head around it, and then, I ran with it without thinking of the physical and emotional costs. 

But later on, I decided that the idea in which “I made the right decision” was the best and only alternative. And, to think, I thought that idea was going to make this any more easier…

Well, I did say blissful ignorance, right? 

This is painful.  

I did not acknowledge what happened to me overnight. I did not take a moment to grieve for myself or for the part of me I lost. 

I am not coping well.

This is painful. 

I am trying to find reasons to help myself heal but I know I will not find that today.

I am trying to hold back tears and hold my head up but I know I will be sad and hurt.

From the physical pain to the emotional pain, I am doing the best I can to deal with my sense of loss. 

For now, this is painful.

Relationship Insecurity 

I have never known what it feels like to be in a secure relationship. 

I have never known this because I have never been in a relationship where someone had made me feel good about myself. I have been lied to. I have been cheated on. I have been walked out on. I have been hurt physically and mentally. 

I have never known how to be confident and happy with myself in a healthy relationship. What healthy relationship? 

Seriously. I feel almost sad for myself. 

When I lost all self-esteem and deemed myself unworthy of anything normal, my friends finally convinced me to break out of my vulnerability and pursue Tinder. To be honest, it at first did not help because it supported a plastic façade where people were only saying and doing stuff to get something pleasurable out of it for them. Yeah, it boosted my self-esteem a bit but overall it was not the right place to go looking for honest and good men. 

Until, I did actually find one.

And even then, I hesitated. But, turns out we were able to have fun and intentions were good. In fact, after months of dating (also after months of curving him) intentions were great and we established a relationship. 

Now, I am still in this relationship and it’s been almost 8 wonderful months and I have to admit that, overall, he is the most amazing man I have been with. This has been the most refreshing and mature relationship I have ever had…

Unfortunately, I’ve carried quite a bit of baggage along from my past into this relationship and a lot of which is tagged “relationship insecurity”. It sucks and it’s drained a bit of our relationship lately that I finally had to step back and write to myself to understand the extent of damage I was creating on me, on him, on us. It’s obviously not a pretty picture but I think this is the first step to really allow myself to love myself and let him love me. 

I have decided that with this, I want to remind myself that I never used to be this hurt and broken person. I have always been better than this and my boyfriend does not deserve to be wrung by the emotions in which I have control over. He’s amazing (and I hope he knows that). He’s nothing but been the best person and influences me (most especially now) to be better and to grow out of this. 

So Sarah, whenever you’re feeling inadequate or insecure just remember:

  • You are an amazing person who has been through so many different trials and tribulations. You’re not competing with anyone else but yourself. And, you’re a winner. 
  • Instagram and Facebook is not reality. You’re as real as they come and social media does not determine that nor does it factor in the love you and your significant other share. 
  • Your past and his past are insignificant. Live in the now. Build on now and the future you can possibly have together.
  • Don’t snoop, just trust. He says he loves you, goes out of his way to spend time with you, and does things nobody else has ever done. Look through your videos and photos and see that the love is there – just trust in his love and let him love you. 
  • Don’t let your worries and fear consume you. Yes, you’re insecure but don’t let your insecurities get the best of you. Look at the bigger picture because some of these may not be real worries and fear. 
  • You are adequate. 
  • You are enough.

I want to say that how I’ve felt about some of these things come from a good place but obviously I need to express it differently, not destructively. I can’t always anticipate the worst case scenario or devise the most hypothetical situation there is because I’ll worry myself to death. I also want to say that I think, for once, I see my relationship as a real treasure and I’ve gotten very protective of it. I have made huge efforts to take care of what I’ve created with my boyfriend that I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that. 

I just want to be better.

This is a good place to start.