Let me have a fair chance at this thing called life. Chances are, you’re alive. Well, I want to live too.
I am not your past.
I may or may not be your future.
But, I am your present, so please at least treat me like I am within your presence.
I hurt because for every moment I express to want to be treated like my feelings mean something to, I feel like I am pushed 10 steps back.
How do I learn to feel secure?
How do I learn to fight my own insecurities?
How do I grow from this?
If I am not enough physically, mentally, aesthetically, wholistically…
Why did open up even the possibility?
I don’t feel like enough.
And, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be.
I think that my feelings deserve a little more consideration, sometimes.
That is all.
A simple girl has but only simple requests.
Like I said…
Giving. Me. Life.
Zara’s Spring/Summer line is everything and more. Key things to remember this season would be: tulle, fringes/ruffles, off-the-shoulder, embroidery, and blue and yellow or anything colorful (not neon but natural shades of a color to pastel, and nothing darker than navy or maroon unless it is black).
I need to pop in a Zara store or find some natural treasures thrifting.
Surely a thrift store will have affordable looks that match this seasons’ trends.
He asked me to think happy thoughts.
All I could think of was…
Him right next to me holding me. Smelling the accidental scent I bought him smeared across his shirt, trailing from his neck.
Disneyland for a day so excited that he got a pass for me, for all the future moments we’d share.
Playing “Bad & Boujee” and asking me to rap it with him because he knew it’d bring a smile to my face.
Me constantly trying to prove to you I’m not a child with a comment or gesture that absolutely contradicts myself and you laugh.
Watching him play basketball.
Dressing up for him on Valentine’s Day just to be taken to where we had our first date: a small sushi spot in the middle of Little Tokyo in Downtown, Los Angeles.
Holding his hand through a museum and taking an obligatory photo at Chris Burden’s “Lights” while not realizing we had color coordinated our clothes that day.
The way he laughs when he sees me because he never thinks I’m as excited to see him.
How he opens the car door for me ALL THE time and without fail, even if he has to walk briskly and quicker than me to get to the car first.
Him kissing my forehead in moments of silence.
Him kissing my forehead, period.
Him holding me from behind while laughing at how little I am.
The way we alternately book AirBnBs for weekends in the city when we want quality time with each other… And also, maybe because I sleep better when I am with him.
When he slides his hand against my leg while he drives.
Portland, our first domestic trip together.
Standing in front of Multnomah Falls for a picture and a woman sharing with us that she wanted to take a picture too because we looked “so nice together”.
All the Snapchat videos I have of us on my phone. And without a surprise, most of them are of you behind me, holding me like the support that you are.
The first time I saw you in your “work clothes” when we went to study at the library.
Everytime we study together and I look up from my books to peek at how lucky I am.
How you apologize for things you know you did wrong and even for things you didn’t really need to be sorry for because there have been times where I’m just a big baby and you want to make me happy.
When you tell me more than once that you liked my haircut and later again in a text say, “Baby, I really like your haircut.”
All our photos I have of us and an album in my photos that just says “BAE”.
When you thoughtfully completed my Toy Story gang with the Jessie Doll as a Valentine’s gift.
Beating you at Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters at Disneyland while still waiting on my prize from winning a bet.
Getting you to try vegan food two times in one week.
Taking care of you when you are at your drunkest.
Eating my favorite foods with you (donuts, pizza, nuggets) and learning to share 20 pieces of nuggets with you.
Being able to work out with you at the same gym and have you come up to me and tell me you can’t focus because all you saw was me. But in the back of my mind, all I could think was “All I can see is you too”, but I was coy and laughed at you.
You trying to be a handyman and put my curtains up and failing.
Offering to walk my dog because we always joke you’re not going to be able to clean up after patients when you begin the nursing program.
When we talk about all the shows and festivals we want to go to in the future and all the music we share through Soundcloud and Spotify.
When you think of me to watch a play with Al Pacino play with your grandmother because you remember I loved him in The Godfather trilogy and nobody else could go with her.
All your “good morning” texts that I get to wake up.
Your punctuality (which if it isn’t obvious, this was a joke lol).
The way you love Future and his music so much.
When I see Future at a DJ Esco show in Vegas and you are all I could think of that it almost makes me cry that you weren’t there to enjoy the night with me.
Halloween Horror Night with you and my friends and that maze of clowns that had you jump and run away for a second with me only following pursuit not too far away because I HATE CLOWNS.
Our very first date.
And lastly, how this list is already pretty long but could be longer and will only get longer.
Neither of us stared into each other’s eyes.
You gave up on me as I said I didn’t know what to smile for.
I could hear it in your voice; the last sighing bit of hope to try to turn my day around.
And I am sorry.
I am sorry for being difficult and emotional as I hurt. I am sorry for being quiet in the face of my own fears and insecurities. I am sorry for making you feel helpless, as helpless as my emotions make me feel.
The way I run in my mind in a day where I wake up restless and upset is very exhausting.
I have detered myself from a normalcy today and a day has gone to waste, I am sorry.
I am hard to bend and even harder to mend as my self-esteem breaks over an exchange of words in disagreement or a trigger of the past.
And now I lay here pondering how I will find the courage to apologize for my weaknesses.