“The best lessons we teach are the ones we most need to learn.”
I have never known what it feels like to be in a secure relationship.
I have never known this because I have never been in a relationship where someone had made me feel good about myself. I have been lied to. I have been cheated on. I have been walked out on. I have been hurt physically and mentally.
I have never known how to be confident and happy with myself in a healthy relationship. What healthy relationship?
Seriously. I feel almost sad for myself.
When I lost all self-esteem and deemed myself unworthy of anything normal, my friends finally convinced me to break out of my vulnerability and pursue Tinder. To be honest, it at first did not help because it supported a plastic façade where people were only saying and doing stuff to get something pleasurable out of it for them. Yeah, it boosted my self-esteem a bit but overall it was not the right place to go looking for honest and good men.
Until, I did actually find one.
And even then, I hesitated. But, turns out we were able to have fun and intentions were good. In fact, after months of dating (also after months of curving him) intentions were great and we established a relationship.
Now, I am still in this relationship and it’s been almost 8 wonderful months and I have to admit that, overall, he is the most amazing man I have been with. This has been the most refreshing and mature relationship I have ever had…
Unfortunately, I’ve carried quite a bit of baggage along from my past into this relationship and a lot of which is tagged “relationship insecurity”. It sucks and it’s drained a bit of our relationship lately that I finally had to step back and write to myself to understand the extent of damage I was creating on me, on him, on us. It’s obviously not a pretty picture but I think this is the first step to really allow myself to love myself and let him love me.
I have decided that with this, I want to remind myself that I never used to be this hurt and broken person. I have always been better than this and my boyfriend does not deserve to be wrung by the emotions in which I have control over. He’s amazing (and I hope he knows that). He’s nothing but been the best person and influences me (most especially now) to be better and to grow out of this.
So Sarah, whenever you’re feeling inadequate or insecure just remember:
- You are an amazing person who has been through so many different trials and tribulations. You’re not competing with anyone else but yourself. And, you’re a winner.
- Instagram and Facebook is not reality. You’re as real as they come and social media does not determine that nor does it factor in the love you and your significant other share.
- Your past and his past are insignificant. Live in the now. Build on now and the future you can possibly have together.
- Don’t snoop, just trust. He says he loves you, goes out of his way to spend time with you, and does things nobody else has ever done. Look through your videos and photos and see that the love is there – just trust in his love and let him love you.
- Don’t let your worries and fear consume you. Yes, you’re insecure but don’t let your insecurities get the best of you. Look at the bigger picture because some of these may not be real worries and fear.
- You are adequate.
- You are enough.
I want to say that how I’ve felt about some of these things come from a good place but obviously I need to express it differently, not destructively. I can’t always anticipate the worst case scenario or devise the most hypothetical situation there is because I’ll worry myself to death. I also want to say that I think, for once, I see my relationship as a real treasure and I’ve gotten very protective of it. I have made huge efforts to take care of what I’ve created with my boyfriend that I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that.
I just want to be better.
This is a good place to start.
I cry as still at the moon. Weeping at the sighing clouds that wander midnight skies. Aimlessly trekking a disabled mind and without sense of direction, I am quietly hiding.
Let me have a fair chance at this thing called life. Chances are, you’re alive. Well, I want to live too.
I am not your past.
I may or may not be your future.
But, I am your present, so please at least treat me like I am within your presence.
I hurt because for every moment I express to want to be treated like my feelings mean something to, I feel like I am pushed 10 steps back.
How do I learn to feel secure?
How do I learn to fight my own insecurities?
How do I grow from this?
If I am not enough physically, mentally, aesthetically, wholistically…
Why did open up even the possibility?
I don’t feel like enough.
And, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be.
I think that my feelings deserve a little more consideration, sometimes.
That is all.
A simple girl has but only simple requests.