“Nerves”

To construct my words
Of which I cannot bite
I am taking breaths
Every second in sight

Tongues tied so true
I stutter and trip
Under some spell
Lash after lash
Of whip after whip

 I sonder
I pace

I cannot recall
A fate of love
With a most passionate fall

Thought Catalog: “Why The Strongest Girls Feel Insecure All The Time”

This article, though short and not too noteworthy, was beautifully written.

Everything that I had ever felt about myself was envisioned by someone else and put into the perfect words.

Sometimes you understand yourself but cannot put it into words; either you feel it might be biased or untrue. Reading about your feelings or hearing it from someone else is so much more validating; there is a reassurance that stems from someone else who is able to relate to you, and so much more magic in it when they do not personally know you.

This was a pleasant surprise and I am glad I came across it.

This motivates me to keep going.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Of course, no matter how much she accomplishes in life, no matter how much love she gives, she keeps pushing herself further. She wants to do more. To be more. Because she knows she’s capable of more. She’s insecure, because she believes in her potential and she knows that she hasn’t reached it yet. She trusts that she’ll succeed, but wishes that she could see more progress. She wants to know that she’s on the right path. That her faith is justified. No one sees how terrified she is. No one notices that she’s struggling to stay strong. She looks like she has it all together, so friends don’t think she needs any reminders of how beautiful and talented she is. They stay quiet when she’s secretly screaming for their encouragement. When she needs someone to tell her she’s been doing her best and that her best is good enough.”

Why The Strongest Girls Feel Insecure All The Time
By Holly Riordan, Thought Catalog

 

A Temporary Void

I forgot what dealing with anxiety was like, up until recently.

Awakening anxiety is like drowning in a hail of emotions you do not understand. Well, I think there is some form of understanding but you are definitely just minutely grasping it by the tips of your fingers. It is also profoundly deafening, even at its most docile moments. It wakes you from a deep sleep and from that sleep, you still lay so uncomfortably even when your bed is as warm as a mid-day sun ray touches your skin.

The reason being for my anxiety is because  I have been dealing with a form of emptiness. This emptiness feels similar to neglect and/or replacement. It itches underneath my skin and eats me up on the inside. It is related to insecurity or lack of security and assurance. Deep in my mind, I am uncomfortable and writhing from the discomfort.

What do I feel?

Someone else is creating memories for me and in place of me. Someone else is taking care of my responsibilities. Someone else sharing the space that is mine.

Am I being selfish at this point? Can I help it even if I could?

I feel as if my personal space has been invaded a little. Reality or not, now, I am not just the only girl. It feels less intimate to me that I can find something so special elsewhere.

Truth is, this is all very subliminal if you have not caught on already.

I am not writing to be petty. I am not writing for attention. I am writing so that instead of allowing my eyes to tear and flow heavy with hurt, at least I can put my feelings to words and make them feel lyrical and distant.

For eyes to see and minds to understand, this is how a human being feels about anxiety and insecurities. That is all. But, overcoming this is not a difficult obstacle, and I understand that. The only way to deal with pain is to get through it.

It is so hard to deal with voids, even if temporary.

“Wander”

Beyond this city of wild emotions
Running rampant on the concrete
Dancing passionately across the city

Eyes of curiosity
Inflamed hearts

We dream

And we are lost
Wandering