Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.

A Little Matter of Things

There’s nothing more frustrating than being a basket case of emotion, sometimes.

I want to not feel.
I want to not care.

But, can I help it?

No.

Especially when certain emotions are directed at particular things.

What I honestly dislike the most is when my feelings are belittled by others. I dislike it even more when people expect you to feel strongly or be supportive about their opinions, values, or feelings when it’s a matter of convenience for them; meanwhile, in contrast, they cannot seem to do the same for you.

I think a lot of respect people have for each other is built on the simple principle of “The Golden Rule” and that is to “do unto others what you would want done unto you”.

I hold other peoples’ feelings in high regard and sometimes while I neglect my own, but that’s just the person that I am.

I am kind.

I am understanding.

Or, at least I try hard to be.

And, I believe there’s good in everyone.

Usually, I can find good in everything.
You know, the silver lining?

But see, all I ever ask for from others is that they consider to give me the same respect. Regardless of point of view, upbringing, or wants/needs. For a moment of indifference, I want to feel as if I matter, too.

There are going to be some things of matter that may little to you but remain big to others, remember that.

Think about it.

 

Introducing a Photo Series – “Illusions” by Yours Truly

Decided to begin a black and white photographic series called, “Illusions”.

I wanted to call it “Illusions” because of a quote that I had wrote in my journal a few days ago.

“Beauty on the outside is just an illusion when beauty on the inside is without to compare.”

Basically saying, a beauty is nonexistent without “the whole”.

The definition for illusion states that it is “a thing that is or is likely to be wrongly perceived or interpreted by the senses”.

I do not always feel that everyone sees me as my whole self. People that know me may know differently than the next person, while mere acquaintances are scratching the surface of my personality. I am constantly perceived in pieces and I think that becomes a learning experience for human in this world in which we each share with one another.

Also, the “wholeness” of something can be very subjective, as is the definition of “beauty”; so, maybe that in itself is an illusion?

To me, this photo series will capture pieces of myself in my daily life that are intimate but I feel can shed light to my gentleness, positivity, and creativity.

 

Hurting Silently

It is difficult to bounce back from a negative situation.

You exhaust yourself seeking resolution after resolution.

Maybe you just are not ready to be charmed by simple words and phrases like, “It will be okay”, “Tomorrow is another day” or “You will just be fine” and “Think positively”?

Maybe you just want to grieve a little bit and cry?
Maybe you just need a shoulder and a hug?

But, what until then when it is so hard to hurt silently.

Thought Catalog: “Why The Strongest Girls Feel Insecure All The Time”

This article, though short and not too noteworthy, was beautifully written.

Everything that I had ever felt about myself was envisioned by someone else and put into the perfect words.

Sometimes you understand yourself but cannot put it into words; either you feel it might be biased or untrue. Reading about your feelings or hearing it from someone else is so much more validating; there is a reassurance that stems from someone else who is able to relate to you, and so much more magic in it when they do not personally know you.

This was a pleasant surprise and I am glad I came across it.

This motivates me to keep going.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Of course, no matter how much she accomplishes in life, no matter how much love she gives, she keeps pushing herself further. She wants to do more. To be more. Because she knows she’s capable of more. She’s insecure, because she believes in her potential and she knows that she hasn’t reached it yet. She trusts that she’ll succeed, but wishes that she could see more progress. She wants to know that she’s on the right path. That her faith is justified. No one sees how terrified she is. No one notices that she’s struggling to stay strong. She looks like she has it all together, so friends don’t think she needs any reminders of how beautiful and talented she is. They stay quiet when she’s secretly screaming for their encouragement. When she needs someone to tell her she’s been doing her best and that her best is good enough.”

Why The Strongest Girls Feel Insecure All The Time
By Holly Riordan, Thought Catalog