I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.
Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.
My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.
Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.
But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.
Things could always be worse.
If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.
At least, let me have that.
For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.
21 March 2017
To lay guilty in my skin is to take for granted my gifts.
Within The Lines
17 March 2017
Life sets up boundaries but I know no limit to my endeavors and success.
It is difficult to bounce back from a negative situation.
You exhaust yourself seeking resolution after resolution.
Maybe you just are not ready to be charmed by simple words and phrases like, “It will be okay”, “Tomorrow is another day” or “You will just be fine” and “Think positively”?
Maybe you just want to grieve a little bit and cry?
Maybe you just need a shoulder and a hug?
But, what until then when it is so hard to hurt silently.
This article, though short and not too noteworthy, was beautifully written.
Everything that I had ever felt about myself was envisioned by someone else and put into the perfect words.
Sometimes you understand yourself but cannot put it into words; either you feel it might be biased or untrue. Reading about your feelings or hearing it from someone else is so much more validating; there is a reassurance that stems from someone else who is able to relate to you, and so much more magic in it when they do not personally know you.
This was a pleasant surprise and I am glad I came across it.
This motivates me to keep going.
Here’s an excerpt:
“Of course, no matter how much she accomplishes in life, no matter how much love she gives, she keeps pushing herself further. She wants to do more. To be more. Because she knows she’s capable of more. She’s insecure, because she believes in her potential and she knows that she hasn’t reached it yet. She trusts that she’ll succeed, but wishes that she could see more progress. She wants to know that she’s on the right path. That her faith is justified. No one sees how terrified she is. No one notices that she’s struggling to stay strong. She looks like she has it all together, so friends don’t think she needs any reminders of how beautiful and talented she is. They stay quiet when she’s secretly screaming for their encouragement. When she needs someone to tell her she’s been doing her best and that her best is good enough.”
Why The Strongest Girls Feel Insecure All The Time
By Holly Riordan, Thought Catalog
I forgot what dealing with anxiety was like, up until recently.
Awakening anxiety is like drowning in a hail of emotions you do not understand. Well, I think there is some form of understanding but you are definitely just minutely grasping it by the tips of your fingers. It is also profoundly deafening, even at its most docile moments. It wakes you from a deep sleep and from that sleep, you still lay so uncomfortably even when your bed is as warm as a mid-day sun ray touches your skin.
The reason being for my anxiety is because I have been dealing with a form of emptiness. This emptiness feels similar to neglect and/or replacement. It itches underneath my skin and eats me up on the inside. It is related to insecurity or lack of security and assurance. Deep in my mind, I am uncomfortable and writhing from the discomfort.
What do I feel?
Someone else is creating memories for me and in place of me. Someone else is taking care of my responsibilities. Someone else sharing the space that is mine.
Am I being selfish at this point? Can I help it even if I could?
I feel as if my personal space has been invaded a little. Reality or not, now, I am not just the only girl. It feels less intimate to me that I can find something so special elsewhere.
Truth is, this is all very subliminal if you have not caught on already.
I am not writing to be petty. I am not writing for attention. I am writing so that instead of allowing my eyes to tear and flow heavy with hurt, at least I can put my feelings to words and make them feel lyrical and distant.
For eyes to see and minds to understand, this is how a human being feels about anxiety and insecurities. That is all. But, overcoming this is not a difficult obstacle, and I understand that. The only way to deal with pain is to get through it.
It is so hard to deal with voids, even if temporary.
Listening to a minder wander silently
Through a deep serenade of anxiety
Spiraling madly into a chaos so dark
Feeling so lost and left in satiety
Creating hope like speckled spots
A light in the dim and dark lots
Deeply tracing pessimism
Filling void after void with good thoughts
Coming out of a battle within
Balanced like a yang to a yin
Engulfed by good and soaring high
And this is where happiness begins