In My Thoughts

“The best lessons we teach are the ones we most need to learn.”

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Who am I without you but be a heart without purpose?

Before you, I knew not what security felt like.
Before you, I knew not what love looked like.
Before you, I knew not what real commitment was.

Now, I cannot love you less.

I see more than a 5 year plan.

I Want More

I have never been so sure in my life.

I had always known I wanted to be with you.
I had known from the beginning you were special.

As for how special…

I have learned so much of what makes you special.

Even when we do not see eye to eye, it is our very differences that complete each other’s complex puzzles. You complete me in more ways than one and I could not have gotten the most out of this 26th year if you were not such a big part of my world.

In fact, you have sort of become my world.

You have made me better.

This relationship is very important to me and what we have experienced in the last week and a half has made me realize that I want so much more from this and I have never wanted it as much as I have now.

Kauia Shores Hotel Beach

I want a future with you.

This Is PainfulĀ 

Even as I write this, I feel like I am not ready to. 

This is painful.

Two weeks ago, for the first time, I looked at my lap into the path of lines that faced one another like strange figures meeting for the first time. It was so alien to me. Staring deep into its gaze, I was haunted by the disappointment and the fear of overlooming judgment that would be casted on me by familiar onlookers in my life. 

I feared the fear itself. 

I sat there and I wept at the idea of loss before it even happened. 

I never knew a feeling like it even existed. 

Days passed and things made sense to me. The way I sensed things were heightened and I felt the most innate of instincts kick in. For a moment in this brief life, I felt I had some purpose to fulfill. 

In reality, I could not fulfill it.

In reality, it broke my heart. 

In one week I had possessed blissful ignorance – this idea that I had the “fortunate unawareness of something unpleasant”. As everything was happening so quickly, I had no means of processing everything the way I wanted to or in a healthy manner. I took an idea, I wrapped my head around it, and then, I ran with it without thinking of the physical and emotional costs. 

But later on, I decided that the idea in which “I made the right decision” was the best and only alternative. And, to think, I thought that idea was going to make this any more easier…

Well, I did say blissful ignorance, right? 

This is painful.  

I did not acknowledge what happened to me overnight. I did not take a moment to grieve for myself or for the part of me I lost. 

I am not coping well.

This is painful. 

I am trying to find reasons to help myself heal but I know I will not find that today.

I am trying to hold back tears and hold my head up but I know I will be sad and hurt.

From the physical pain to the emotional pain, I am doing the best I can to deal with my sense of loss. 

For now, this is painful.

Baby, Thank You

My admiration of you goes without saying “I love you” because it is more than just that. You are all the elements of adoration sheltered in my heart safely.

With every piece of me, I am so fond of your charm and character.

You make me happy.
You make me better.

Baby, thank you.

“To Belong”

Touch my heart and feel the ice
Like a chill after a rain
As clouds cave the sun
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long
But it loves mighty
It takes hold
Eyes like Eckleburg
Seeing meaning
Meaning strong
While broken it has measured
Moments good
Moments bad
Hear it in the silence
Steadfast but weary
Hopeful but sad
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long

My heart wants to have peace
A piece of mind
A place to belong