“Fragments”

The hardest thing about relationships is taking all the wear and tear and finding it in all your heart, in all your passion and effort, to mend the broken pieces that you may or may not have caused. Trying to look past insecurities and bury them with a new found trust and love for someone is a bittersweet challenge. Running on a two-way street, the blame game is openly played and it’s as if you feel like you are always swimming upstream. But, it was never made to be easy and every couple, every relationship, goes through the hardest of times. But what happens when it doesn’t just end? What if it is always hard? How do you get through it? Where do you find the hope to keep loving as you do? To keep caring as much as you did in the beginning? To have faith where there is so much doubt in the back of your mind built by the tension of time? Forcing and forcing for something to be and getting lost in the complexity. Where do we go from here? I just want to love again.

I was broken.

You were inviting.I came.

I liked you.

We talked.

We shared.

We laughed.

I cried.

You saw me.

You learned.

You liked.

We pursued it.

Further.

There was Disneyland.

Movie dates.

Dinner dates.

A lot of pizza.

We hiked.

Talked more.

Learned more.

My heart opened.

I loved.

I said it.

Without fear.

Without hesitationS

I loved you.

You were scared.

You didn’t know.

You wanted other things.

You tested me.

Friends that were girls.

Girls who’d ask to sleep over.

Girls I didn’t feel comfy with.

A little space.

Not so many texts.

Not too hot.

Not too cold.

Maybe I was clingy.

I let you be.

I became less of me.

Gave you space.

I adjusted.

My insecurities,

I let go.

I saw friends.

They helped.

You didn’t like it.

Thought I was different.

Someone else brand new.

But I became someone,

Someone you made me into.

I adjusted.

I’d tell you who.

I’d tell you what.

I’d tell you when.

I’d tell you where.

Spared no details.

I let you in.

Over and over.

I let you into my life.

You began to question me.

Was it for me or for you?

Really, for who?

As my insecurities faded,

Yours only grew.

We argued more.

And some more.

There was Twitter.

That girl.

“Sup buddy.”

At 2 am.

Made no sense.

You had gone to sleep.

Then erased it all.

My friends watch out for me.

They become the enemies.

We break up.

That was the first time.

I lost trust in you.

There were excuses.

It didn’t make sense.

We come back.

We date.

We’re complicated.

You refused to give me security.

Holidays came.

You left.

We drifted.

You’d go out.

No details.

I don’t question.

1-2 days without word.

I just trust.

I go to New York.

I found myself.

I felt good.

3 days without word.

Your anger fumes.

You became petty.

Jealous I was happy.

Mad I didn’t share it with you.

You hurt me.

You’d say things.

I upset you.

A hypocrite.

You lead me to feel guilt

Only to be doing it too.

You made me hurt.

I was so angry.

Purposefully hurt, by you

Testing me.

Testing my patience.

Testing my understanding.

You say “I love you”.

I’m vulnerable.

Benefit of the doubt.

Now, we try mending

Finally on the same coast.

But same page?

I don’t know.

Separation anxiety?

Maybe.

There’s a void.

I can’t fill.

I can’t describe.

But something is missing.

Feeling forced.

This isn’t easy.

I want to love.

Love you.

“Should have”

“Could have”

“If, ands, or buts”

How did we get here?

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