My Deepest Fear

I keep telling myself that if I did not get sick in June, I would be on the right track finishing school and be in a more content place in my life.

But then again, here we are and plans for me remain unknown.

And, that is the scariest thing for me.

The unknown.
Not knowing.

All the things I just simply cannot prepare for.
All the things that are entirely out of my control.

All of these are my deepest fears.

How would I have ever known that my body would be tested time and time again? First, thyroid cancer. Second, chronic myeloid leukemia (CML).

How would I have ever known that my health would dictate many of the decisions in my life leaving me to without choices to make on my own? First, stay in the US after being diagnosed with CML for treatment and medications. Secondly, choosing to go back and forth from the US to the Philippines to finish school, again.

The thing is, I would not have ever known nor could I have ever predicted it. Nothing ever prepared me for any of this and as I keep facing obstacle after obstacle, trial after trial, I just keep telling myself to keep going. There has to be a reason for all of this. I know there is.

And the people that I have affected along the way by all these decisions dictated by the uncontrollable. Family. Friends. Very significant people in my life. I am so sorry. I know that I have been a constant hassle to bear with. I am sorry.

No one will understand the multitude of anger and sadness that I bear deep inside of me because of all of this. To conquer this fear of mine has been one of the biggest struggles in the last few years and it became especially life changing as I turned 24. It looks like I will have to proceed into 2016 with these same struggles and emotions.

I have never been so uncomfortable and uncertain as a year draws to a close and a new one approaches, but I guess there has to be a first for everything.

Wish me luck.


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