Relationship Insecurity 

I have never known what it feels like to be in a secure relationship. 

I have never known this because I have never been in a relationship where someone had made me feel good about myself. I have been lied to. I have been cheated on. I have been walked out on. I have been hurt physically and mentally. 

I have never known how to be confident and happy with myself in a healthy relationship. What healthy relationship? 

Seriously. I feel almost sad for myself. 

When I lost all self-esteem and deemed myself unworthy of anything normal, my friends finally convinced me to break out of my vulnerability and pursue Tinder. To be honest, it at first did not help because it supported a plastic fa├žade where people were only saying and doing stuff to get something pleasurable out of it for them. Yeah, it boosted my self-esteem a bit but overall it was not the right place to go looking for honest and good men. 

Until, I did actually find one.

And even then, I hesitated. But, turns out we were able to have fun and intentions were good. In fact, after months of dating (also after months of curving him) intentions were great and we established a relationship. 

Now, I am still in this relationship and it’s been almost 8 wonderful months and I have to admit that, overall, he is the most amazing man I have been with. This has been the most refreshing and mature relationship I have ever had…

Unfortunately, I’ve carried quite a bit of baggage along from my past into this relationship and a lot of which is tagged “relationship insecurity”. It sucks and it’s drained a bit of our relationship lately that I finally had to step back and write to myself to understand the extent of damage I was creating on me, on him, on us. It’s obviously not a pretty picture but I think this is the first step to really allow myself to love myself and let him love me. 

I have decided that with this, I want to remind myself that I never used to be this hurt and broken person. I have always been better than this and my boyfriend does not deserve to be wrung by the emotions in which I have control over. He’s amazing (and I hope he knows that). He’s nothing but been the best person and influences me (most especially now) to be better and to grow out of this. 

So Sarah, whenever you’re feeling inadequate or insecure just remember:

  • You are an amazing person who has been through so many different trials and tribulations. You’re not competing with anyone else but yourself. And, you’re a winner. 
  • Instagram and Facebook is not reality. You’re as real as they come and social media does not determine that nor does it factor in the love you and your significant other share. 
  • Your past and his past are insignificant. Live in the now. Build on now and the future you can possibly have together.
  • Don’t snoop, just trust. He says he loves you, goes out of his way to spend time with you, and does things nobody else has ever done. Look through your videos and photos and see that the love is there – just trust in his love and let him love you. 
  • Don’t let your worries and fear consume you. Yes, you’re insecure but don’t let your insecurities get the best of you. Look at the bigger picture because some of these may not be real worries and fear. 
  • You are adequate. 
  • You are enough.

I want to say that how I’ve felt about some of these things come from a good place but obviously I need to express it differently, not destructively. I can’t always anticipate the worst case scenario or devise the most hypothetical situation there is because I’ll worry myself to death. I also want to say that I think, for once, I see my relationship as a real treasure and I’ve gotten very protective of it. I have made huge efforts to take care of what I’ve created with my boyfriend that I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that. 

I just want to be better.

This is a good place to start. 

Baby, Thank You

My admiration of you goes without saying “I love you” because it is more than just that. You are all the elements of adoration sheltered in my heart safely.

With every piece of me, I am so fond of your charm and character.

You make me happy.
You make me better.

Baby, thank you.

“To Belong”

Touch my heart and feel the ice
Like a chill after a rain
As clouds cave the sun
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long
But it loves mighty
It takes hold
Eyes like Eckleburg
Seeing meaning
Meaning strong
While broken it has measured
Moments good
Moments bad
Hear it in the silence
Steadfast but weary
Hopeful but sad
It loves like a broken song
A beat skipped
A beat heavy
A beat long

My heart wants to have peace
A piece of mind
A place to belong

Silent

I cry as still at the moon. Weeping at the sighing clouds that wander midnight skies. Aimlessly trekking a disabled mind and without sense of direction, I am quietly hiding. 

Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.