Let Me Be

I need people to understand that I know what is best for me.

Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting sick.

My illness does not make me any less of the person I am or choose to be and if I allow my illness to do that, then it wins and I lose.

Every day I wish and hope that I can live a normal life and not have to worry about getting sick today or tomorrow, but I know that is not the reality of my situation. I have to be careful and watch out for my health because my immune system cannot always keep up with the things I want to do. I have to worry about taking medication religiously. Things I have to worry about, normal people with good health do not have to worry about.

But, I am fortunate to still be able to do what I want to do.

Things could always be worse.

If I feel like I am capable of doing something, people need to stop trying to force me to take care of myself better. Do they not understand that I know this? I try and I try. But, to be reminded of my own struggle by people worrying for me does not help. I want to remain positive. I want to remain normal. I know some people may worry about me constantly and I am grateful for that, but if tomorrow were my last day at least I can say I lived it the way I wanted to.

At least, let me have that.

For those of you that do not know, I am living with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia in which your white blood cells are overproduced and eventually produce immature blood cells that do not allow your normal ones to function well. I am in remission as we speak and I take medications daily to prevent the genes of my cancer from replicating which prevent the cancer from becoming worse. I am living with it and the key word is “living”. That is what matters and some people need reminding. Like I said, it could always be worse. I appreciate and love my life despite the struggle of trying to keep healthy all the time. I only hope people can see it from my point of view, too. Maybe one day others will understand that I am struggling more with the way they deal with it than the way I do.

Complement

Yes, complement.

You might be thinking compliment.
But no, I meant complement.

When one thing completes another, therefore it complements.
When one thing expresses admiration, therefore it compliments.

But, I mean complement.

And to complement is to be close to perfect.

A Little Matter of Things

There’s nothing more frustrating than being a basket case of emotion, sometimes.

I want to not feel.
I want to not care.

But, can I help it?

No.

Especially when certain emotions are directed at particular things.

What I honestly dislike the most is when my feelings are belittled by others. I dislike it even more when people expect you to feel strongly or be supportive about their opinions, values, or feelings when it’s a matter of convenience for them; meanwhile, in contrast, they cannot seem to do the same for you.

I think a lot of respect people have for each other is built on the simple principle of “The Golden Rule” and that is to “do unto others what you would want done unto you”.

I hold other peoples’ feelings in high regard and sometimes while I neglect my own, but that’s just the person that I am.

I am kind.

I am understanding.

Or, at least I try hard to be.

And, I believe there’s good in everyone.

Usually, I can find good in everything.
You know, the silver lining?

But see, all I ever ask for from others is that they consider to give me the same respect. Regardless of point of view, upbringing, or wants/needs. For a moment of indifference, I want to feel as if I matter, too.

There are going to be some things of matter that may little to you but remain big to others, remember that.

Think about it.

 

Never Enough

I am not your past.
I may or may not be your future.

But, I am your present, so please at least treat me like I am within your presence.

I hurt because for every moment I express to want to be treated like my feelings mean something to, I feel like I am pushed 10 steps back.

How do I learn to feel secure?
How do I learn to fight my own insecurities?
How do I grow from this?

If I am not enough physically, mentally, aesthetically, wholistically…

Why did open up even the possibility?

I don’t feel like enough.

And, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be.

Consideration

I think that my feelings deserve a little more consideration, sometimes. 

That is all.

A simple girl has but only simple requests.